Guilt

I feel guilty.

Like somehow I have betrayed a friend or a lover.

I am reminded of a Bread song. Now...c'mon...we all know you groove to Bread when no one is looking.

The lyrics are something like " Is there someone you know, you're loving them so, but taking them all for granted. They may leave you one day, someone takes them away, and you they don;t hear the words you long to say."

That friend that has been there for me for so many years. Through all of my triumphs and my defeats. My smiles, and my tears. Always there, no matter how much I ignored them, or bitched when their form of help or refuge did not meet my ever-increasing high standards.

So here I am, months without visiting my friend. My lover. My refuge.

And damn do I feel guilty about it.

But what am I supposed to do?

In light of the coldness, the wild mood swings, the increasingly rough nature of it all?

Defeated and guilty. That is how I feel about it.

Guilty, because I find refuge, smiles, and support in others now.

My weekend could have existed of going to see her, however I could see her tempestuousness from miles away and was driven in the exact opposite direction.

And as anyone of any experience knows, not only does the grass appear to be greener, it quite often is.

I was awarded with an adventure and a wonderful time. Crossing the snow covered mountains in the truck. surprised by the way her tires gripped the packed snow, crunchy ice, and soft ruts, despite not having any chains or studs on her.

A wonderful dry cold.

Mellow snow flurries in the evening as we strolled about with a hand-warming mocha.

The charismatic feel of another one of these brother's places. A room so fit and cozy, like a ski lodge.

Wonderful food, divine beverages in a cozy Fireside pub, and even better company.

The grass is indeed greener, though mostly covered in a light white frosting of snow.

And my guilt....my feeling of defeat....well...it seems to get lost in the translation somewhere.